All we are is a result of what we have thought - Buddha
I've been trying to write a new post for this blog, but somehow, I was having trouble getting a single topic to coalesce. So instead, I'll share the things that have been in my head.
I have been suffering a serious bout of loneliness. Achingly so. I begin to wonder if I will ever not be lonely.
I've been pondering faith. In writing on the 12 steps I've had a lot of cause to look at the topic and question will I ever have it; does it just come to you or do you choose to have it and just go on "as if".
I found a sermon from a minister in Spokane, WA on the question of whether or not faith is a choice or a gift. He says yes. You can read the text of it here: http://www.hamblenpres.org/sermons/2009-06-28.pdf
I have sat in suffering for weeks now. Struggling with the loneliness and questioning faith.
Yesterday I watched "The Secret". I've seen it before and there is nothing earth shattering in it. The power of positive thought and the law of attraction have been known throughout history. But sometimes I need to be reminded of the obvious.
Today, the obvious is that if I don't seem to see that faith has been given to me as a gift, then I will simply choose to have it. I will believe in the possibility that I can have faith and that faith will see me through these moments of struggle.
I believe in the possibility that I will not be lonely forever. That there is a man out there who wants to kiss me tenderly. And also that I will be fine, even if it turns out there is not.
Today I don't even know what I want. I don't have a clear picture of some things. So while I work on strengthening those visions, I will simply have faith that the possibility exists for me to be happy.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Einstein's Wisdom
I came across a quote today which was attributed to Albert Einstein. It states "the mind which creates the problem cannot be the sole solution to the problem". I'm a pretty big fan of Einstein in popular culture but until recently I had never heard this. Now, I've come across it repeatedly in the last few weeks.
As part of my quest to build a stronger relationship with my higher power, I've decided to look for things like this and accept them as possible examples of that power in action. In this case, speaking very plainly to remind me that I do not have all the answers.
There is a part of me that feels like I should have all the answers. Today I know that part is based in fear. The fearful belief that help is not available or will not be given to me. I don't know that this is true but I have spent the better part of 40 years acting like it was.
For me, this is an important distinction. Remembering that I don't know it's true allows for the possibility that it might not be true. Perhaps the opposite is true? Maybe there is an abundance of help out there that has just been waiting for me to see it. I don't know. What I do know is this:
Now I can already hear the little thought at the back of my head whispering that is not the true worst case scenario. It is actually that confirming there is no help out there breaks my spirit and I spiral down in to the depths of despair and depression. I did think of that. I guess I can say two things to that.
First, I've already been living with that belief. Hasn't quite killed me but it has come close. (Which thankfully only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades)
Second, I choose to believe in possibility today. The possibility that help could be available to me if I allow it to be received.
I believe in another possibility as well. One that is at the core of my emerging beliefs. That the universe has unfolded since before I was here and will continue to do so when I have moved on. I am part of something infinitely larger than just myself. My choices are to worry about it or allow it to carry me along and contribute where I may. Either way it will continue on so I guess I might as well enjoy the ride.
As part of my quest to build a stronger relationship with my higher power, I've decided to look for things like this and accept them as possible examples of that power in action. In this case, speaking very plainly to remind me that I do not have all the answers.
There is a part of me that feels like I should have all the answers. Today I know that part is based in fear. The fearful belief that help is not available or will not be given to me. I don't know that this is true but I have spent the better part of 40 years acting like it was.
For me, this is an important distinction. Remembering that I don't know it's true allows for the possibility that it might not be true. Perhaps the opposite is true? Maybe there is an abundance of help out there that has just been waiting for me to see it. I don't know. What I do know is this:
- If I'm not open to receiving help, I won't
- If I'm open to receiving help and there is none out there, I'm no worse off than I am trying to do it alone
- If there is help out there and I'm open to it I might actually get help
Now I can already hear the little thought at the back of my head whispering that is not the true worst case scenario. It is actually that confirming there is no help out there breaks my spirit and I spiral down in to the depths of despair and depression. I did think of that. I guess I can say two things to that.
First, I've already been living with that belief. Hasn't quite killed me but it has come close. (Which thankfully only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades)
Second, I choose to believe in possibility today. The possibility that help could be available to me if I allow it to be received.
I believe in another possibility as well. One that is at the core of my emerging beliefs. That the universe has unfolded since before I was here and will continue to do so when I have moved on. I am part of something infinitely larger than just myself. My choices are to worry about it or allow it to carry me along and contribute where I may. Either way it will continue on so I guess I might as well enjoy the ride.
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