There's no knowing where we're going...Or how to live in faith

I was thinking today about the Roald Dahl classic "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". Specifically the scene where during the tour of the factory Mr. Wonka, Charlie, his grandfather and the other guests careen through the darkness at top speed in a giant boat made from a hollowed out pink boiled sweet. During the voyage, as the guests fear for their lives, Mr. Wonka is patently unconcerned and the Oompa Loompas sing another song. Some of the lyrics of which are:

There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing

At times, especially recently, I feel like a passenger on that boat. Screaming (at least emotionally) and in fear for my life. Completely wound up about things that I have no control or influence over.

It's not my boat
It's not my chocolate river
I've never sailed on it before

Yet somehow, I'm quite convinced that I'm going to die and that the people with experience in this situation are all crazy. I hold on to the idea that I must know best, in spite of a host of evidence that says otherwise.

Recently, I've committed to a new journey. I've given notice at work and at my apartment in order to move away and go to school.

 I've made this decision and taken those actions on faith and with the belief that this is the path I'm being guided on. I made this choice and took those steps in a moment of boldness and faith. This was quickly followed by fear and an overwhelming list of practical things which now need to be done.

Once again, I'm reminded that the challenge of believing in possibility and living in faith is not in making a bold statement or choice. It's in all the small steps before and after. It's in maintaining a course on a river I don't know under a starless sky and believing that the Power which brought me to this point will see me through to the end. And if I forget in one moment, that's ok too. I can remind myself of these things in the next.

So, once more, I take time to remind myself:

• Life is a journey, not a destination
• Not all answers are required in this moment
• My job is to take right action based on right intention.
• I cannot live in the future.
• I can make reasonable plans for the future, but must live in the present.
• I will do the best I can, with what I have at the time.
• It will all be all right in the end, because it cannot be anything but.
• Above all else I will be grateful and I will express that gratitude in all that I do.

Gratitude and Hope in a Funkadelic Ennui

Sometimes, you just have to do the work. There's no magic formula, no little pill. I know this and most of the time I'm OK with it. (part of the beauty of the universe is that this remains true, even if I'm not OK with it - but I digress)

My friend Byron Katie calls it doing the dishes. If you want to get the dishes done, you have to pick one up and wash it. Then you pick up the next one and do the same. One plate, cup or bowl at a time is how you do the dishes.

I'm grateful for this analogy. It can help make overwhelming tasks more manageable. Particularly if that overwhelming task is just living life itself.

Like anything, it's also about practice. Practicing this presence. Being in the moment and remaining focused on the task in front of me gets easier the more I do it. This is an important point for me. It gives me hope that I can learn to move beyond the moments of incapacitation that sometimes come with Funkadelic Ennui. (Funkadelic Ennui?!? - it's what i'm rebranding depression - has a little more flair, don't you think?)

I am learning that the level of happiness I experience is up to me. The universe is abundant in happiness for all. It is up to me whether or not I choose to accept it.

This doesn't mean that I don't experience sadness, frustration, anger or any other emotion that we might see as contrary to happiness. In fact, lately I've had an abundance of funkadelic ennui, among other things, and it will pass when it passes. This is where the beauty of possibility comes in.

I'm funky lately. No problem. Today I am able to remind myself that this is not all I am. I am grateful. Grateful to be loved, grateful to be able to pray, grateful to have the knowledge that this will pass and grateful to be able to keep doing the dishes.

Today I have hope and gratitude in addition to Funkadelic Ennui. I know that life's challenges are also life's lessons. I keep practicing and I keep making mistakes. My joy is that they are new mistakes and new mistakes mean progress.

The Risk of Honesty

For those of us who are not accustomed to sharing the private side of our lives, honesty can sometimes be a scary thing.

Now, I can be honest about a great many things. Something at work, whether or not the movie we just saw was good, or even if that dress is really as hot on you as you seem to think it is. I might even admit to some common fears or bad behaviours, like growing old or parking at a meter without paying. These things are not that scary. There is little risk is sharing them.

There are other things that people share, so I'm told, with a smaller group of people. Things like hopes and dreams. That your husband wasn't your first love. That even though you are happy, you sometimes wonder what would have happened if you had married that other person, took that other job, taken that other road. Again, there is not much risk associated with these things.

They are of a more personal nature though. Sharing them gives someone a bit of insight in to who I am. It starts to remove that social mask and let you know what I think about in the middle of the night or on a lazy Sunday afternoon. It can help someone to seem more human and begin to engender a mutual trust and comfort.

I don't struggle with these things. I struggle with sharing fears. Sharing behaviour that I want to change. Sharing hopes and desires. I am afraid. Afraid to be judged. Afraid to find out that I am the only one who feels like this or does these things. As long as I am ruled by this fear I cannot move beyond it.

In spite of all this, the risk of honesty I understand today is not about someone finding out that I am scared I will never be loved. Scared that I will never be happy. That I seek out random sexual encounters because I am so disgusted by my own body that I don't believe anyone would want to touch it except for money.

There is a deeper fear.

The risk of conquering this fear is that then I will be faced with the possibility of achieving all of those things. Happiness, a lover, comfort in my own skin. It seems strange to think that I am scared of receiving the things I claim to want. But what if I do. And what if they turn out to be not what I want or dull or still unavailable to me.

I think today that my understanding of the risk of honesty is not about being honest with others. It's about being honest with myself. Once being honest with myself in thought or word then it requires action or a change in actions. And to some degree my actions are the checkpoint of whether or not I am being honest with myself.

The Restlessness of Faith and Loneliness

All we are is a result of what we have thought - Buddha

I've been trying to write a new post for this blog, but somehow, I was having trouble getting a single topic to coalesce. So instead, I'll share the things that have been in my head.

I have been suffering a serious bout of loneliness. Achingly so. I begin to wonder if I will ever not be lonely.

I've been pondering faith. In writing on the 12 steps I've had a lot of cause to look at the topic and question will I ever have it; does it just come to you or do you choose to have it and just go on "as if".

I found a sermon from a minister in Spokane, WA on the question of whether or not faith is a choice or a gift. He says yes. You can read the text of it here: http://www.hamblenpres.org/sermons/2009-06-28.pdf

I have sat in suffering for weeks now. Struggling with the loneliness and questioning faith.

Yesterday I watched "The Secret". I've seen it before and there is nothing earth shattering in it. The power of positive thought and the law of attraction have been known throughout history. But sometimes I need to be reminded of the obvious.

Today, the obvious is that if I don't seem to see that faith has been given to me as a gift, then I will simply choose to have it. I will believe in the possibility that I can have faith and that faith will see me through these moments of struggle.

I believe in the possibility that I will not be lonely forever. That there is a man out there who wants to kiss me tenderly. And also that I will be fine, even if it turns out there is not.

Today I don't even know what I want. I don't have a clear picture of some things. So while I work on strengthening those visions, I will simply have faith that the possibility exists for me to be happy.

Einstein's Wisdom

I came across a quote today which was attributed to Albert Einstein. It states "the mind which creates the problem cannot be the sole solution to the problem". I'm a pretty big fan of Einstein in popular culture but until recently I had never heard this. Now, I've come across it repeatedly in the last few weeks.

As part of my quest to build a stronger relationship with my higher power, I've decided to look for things like this and accept them as possible examples of that power in action. In this case, speaking very plainly to remind me that I do not have all the answers.

There is a part of me that feels like I should have all the answers. Today I know that part is based in fear. The fearful belief that help is not available or will not be given to me. I don't know that this is true but I have spent the better part of 40 years acting like it was.

For me, this is an important distinction. Remembering that I don't know it's true allows for the possibility that it might not be true. Perhaps the opposite is true? Maybe there is an abundance of help out there that has just been waiting for me to see it. I don't know. What I do know is this:

• If I'm not open to receiving help, I won't
• If I'm open to receiving help and there is none out there, I'm no worse off than I am trying to do it alone
• If there is help out there and I'm open to it I might actually get help

So, worst case scenario things stay the same; best case, they get better. Seem like ok odds to me.

Now I can already hear the little thought at the back of my head whispering that is not the true worst case scenario. It is actually that confirming there is no help out there breaks my spirit and I spiral down in to the depths of despair and depression. I did think of that. I guess I can say two things to that.

First, I've already been living with that belief. Hasn't quite killed me but it has come close. (Which thankfully only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades)

Second, I choose to believe in possibility today. The possibility that help could be available to me if I allow it to be received.

I believe in another possibility as well. One that is at the core of my emerging beliefs. That the universe has unfolded since before I was here and will continue to do so when I have moved on. I am part of something infinitely larger than just myself. My choices are to worry about it or allow it to carry me along and contribute where I may. Either way it will continue on so I guess I might as well enjoy the ride.