The Restlessness of Faith and Loneliness

All we are is a result of what we have thought - Buddha

I've been trying to write a new post for this blog, but somehow, I was having trouble getting a single topic to coalesce. So instead, I'll share the things that have been in my head.

I have been suffering a serious bout of loneliness. Achingly so. I begin to wonder if I will ever not be lonely.

I've been pondering faith. In writing on the 12 steps I've had a lot of cause to look at the topic and question will I ever have it; does it just come to you or do you choose to have it and just go on "as if".

I found a sermon from a minister in Spokane, WA on the question of whether or not faith is a choice or a gift. He says yes. You can read the text of it here: http://www.hamblenpres.org/sermons/2009-06-28.pdf

I have sat in suffering for weeks now. Struggling with the loneliness and questioning faith.

Yesterday I watched "The Secret". I've seen it before and there is nothing earth shattering in it. The power of positive thought and the law of attraction have been known throughout history. But sometimes I need to be reminded of the obvious.

Today, the obvious is that if I don't seem to see that faith has been given to me as a gift, then I will simply choose to have it. I will believe in the possibility that I can have faith and that faith will see me through these moments of struggle.

I believe in the possibility that I will not be lonely forever. That there is a man out there who wants to kiss me tenderly. And also that I will be fine, even if it turns out there is not.

Today I don't even know what I want. I don't have a clear picture of some things. So while I work on strengthening those visions, I will simply have faith that the possibility exists for me to be happy.