The Risk of Honesty

For those of us who are not accustomed to sharing the private side of our lives, honesty can sometimes be a scary thing.

Now, I can be honest about a great many things. Something at work, whether or not the movie we just saw was good, or even if that dress is really as hot on you as you seem to think it is. I might even admit to some common fears or bad behaviours, like growing old or parking at a meter without paying. These things are not that scary. There is little risk is sharing them.

There are other things that people share, so I'm told, with a smaller group of people. Things like hopes and dreams. That your husband wasn't your first love. That even though you are happy, you sometimes wonder what would have happened if you had married that other person, took that other job, taken that other road. Again, there is not much risk associated with these things.

They are of a more personal nature though. Sharing them gives someone a bit of insight in to who I am. It starts to remove that social mask and let you know what I think about in the middle of the night or on a lazy Sunday afternoon. It can help someone to seem more human and begin to engender a mutual trust and comfort.

I don't struggle with these things. I struggle with sharing fears. Sharing behaviour that I want to change. Sharing hopes and desires. I am afraid. Afraid to be judged. Afraid to find out that I am the only one who feels like this or does these things. As long as I am ruled by this fear I cannot move beyond it.

In spite of all this, the risk of honesty I understand today is not about someone finding out that I am scared I will never be loved. Scared that I will never be happy. That I seek out random sexual encounters because I am so disgusted by my own body that I don't believe anyone would want to touch it except for money.

There is a deeper fear.

The risk of conquering this fear is that then I will be faced with the possibility of achieving all of those things. Happiness, a lover, comfort in my own skin. It seems strange to think that I am scared of receiving the things I claim to want. But what if I do. And what if they turn out to be not what I want or dull or still unavailable to me.

I think today that my understanding of the risk of honesty is not about being honest with others. It's about being honest with myself. Once being honest with myself in thought or word then it requires action or a change in actions. And to some degree my actions are the checkpoint of whether or not I am being honest with myself.